Okay, this post is not at all what the title suggests. Well, not exactly.
Back when I identified as Baptist (which was after Catholic, before non-denom Christian, and today's agnostic) I would often refer to Beyonce as "the Baptist Pope" when my Catholic friends talked endlessly about their catholicism. She is definitely one of the most famous baptists; she sings way better than Catholic priests (why the fuck do they SING everything? some things should just be STATED); and she's way cooler than the Catholic leadership. Would little kids ever complain about Beyonce getting a little too close? No. She's too classy, and no one would complain about that, anyway. It's not psychological or physical abuse if you enjoy it, and leave with "Crazy In Love" stuck in your head.
I'm digging Beyonce's new CD, even if it's kind of weird that 1/2 of it is dedicated to her alter-ego, "Sasha Fierce." I mean... let's all think about how creepy that is for the moment.
Anyway, I got past that because the songs are great, until I heard one track called "Ave Maria." It's basically about a woman having problems, she prays, blah blah blah. It's on the boring 1/2 of Beyonce's personality, so I skipped it at first. But what is the BAPTIST POPE doing singing about "Ave Maria," which is a Catholicy / Eastern Orthodoxy thing about Mary, Jesus' Earth Momma? I feel like the residents of Idaho must have felt like when they realized for sure that Larry Craig was gay as fuck.
Where does this leave us, Beyonce? I mean, I'm no longer Baptist, but I like to think that if we Baptists have a Pope we can be a bit more like Catholics, and still keep the cultural parts of the religion we like, even if we don't believe the same shit anymore. In other words, I still want you to be my pope. Can we just forget that this whole Ave Maria thing ever happened, and include some songs on your new CD about having crosses with no Jesus on them, how much you love singing in the vernacular, and maybe a new pop hit, "Saints R Stupid"? COME BACK BEYONCE... come back, girl.
